I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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