he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
