Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
