Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
