this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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