What did we do last night that was yellow?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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