apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
