So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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