I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
