I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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