He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
