you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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