I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
