Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
