She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
