I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
