HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
