He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
