To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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