Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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