Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
