And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
