I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
