Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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