I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
