just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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