I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
