No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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