There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
what day is it and did you see me today?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Help. Why am I so naked?
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