Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
