last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
