Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
