i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it's great music for shaving your balls
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
