12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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