Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
