Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
