Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
