Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
