he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
