i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
