I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
