It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
