Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
