I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
