I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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