those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
