Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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