It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
