I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
