No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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