The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
how does that bad decision feel?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
