I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
