My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
