Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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