On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
