I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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