you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
