Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
